Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Chapter 30 - Calamity!


'Pepe!!' shrieked Honeybun, watching in horror as her beloved dog shot through the air, his black and red magician's cape flapping wildly behind him like the tail of a comet.
'Flippin' heck!' said Mrs Miggins, as the rest of the gang came running onto the stage. 'That was some Christmas pudding.'
'It wasn't a Christmas pudding, you idiot chicken,' wailed Honeybun. 'It was a bomb! He tried to blow up my Pepe!!' And she turned to point an accusing finger at the figure of the firework man who was making a hasty withdrawal into the wings on the opposite side of the stage.
'Well, don't just stand there!' yelled Honeybun. 'GET HIM!!!'

From then on chaos reigned like the time when Dougal from the Magic Roundabout was accidentally declared Prime Minister back in '72 and caused a world-wide sugar shortage by rebuilding the Houses of Parliament out of Tate and Lyle's finest. Boom, Stix and Dave shot across the stage after the mysterious firework man whilst Honeybun led the mad scramble down the steps to follow the trajectory made by Pepe.
'CROWD SURF!!' she yelled, flinging herself into the audience, who were still trying to work out if this was still all part of the act.
'WHOO-HOOOO!' yelled Mrs Slocombe. flinging herself after Honeybun.
'I'm taking the more conventional route,' said Mrs Pumphrey, who wasn't showing her pants to anyone, let alone an arena full of weirdo 'Boom Penguin' fans and she ran down the steps with Mrs Miggins.

From the distance came the sinister 'POUFF!'of a muffled explosion.

'He's done for!' sobbed Honeybun, coming into land from her crowd surf. 'Poor, poor Pepe.'
'Oh, blimey,' said Mrs Miggins, as a plume of fire and smoke rose into the air. 'You know where he's landed, don't you?'
'I don't care, I just want him to be safe,' sniffed Honeybun.
'He's landed right in the middle of the firework display,' said Mrs Miggins. And she stood next to Honeybun and watched as fireworks crackled and flashed into the crisp night sky.
'Pretty,' said Mrs Slocombe, who was running on an adrenaline high from her maiden crowd surfing experience.
'Wasn't there a safety fence put up to shield the Manor from any stray sparks?' said Mrs Pumphrey, who, try as she might, couldn't locate the temporary barrier that had been erected, thought that might have been because she wasn't wearing her glasses.

'Oh, double flip,' said Mrs Miggins. 'Quick, call the fire brigade. This could go horribly wrong.'

* * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, Boom, Dave and Stix were hot-footing it after the firework man. Being a long-legged flamingo, Dave was making better headway than the stumpy legged Boom who was lagging behind despite hijacking a skateboard from someone in the audience. It didn't help that Stix was hitching a ride, too.
'Get him, Dave!' yelled Boom, when it became clear the firework man was getting away. 'Get him and pound him into submission with your weirdo, knobbly pink legs.'

Dave skidded to a halt.
'Oh, that's right,' he said, turning suddenly and ramming a foot down on the front of the skateboard so Stix shot forward and imbedded his beak into the back of Boom's neck. 'Get in an insult, just as I'm about to become a hero.'
'Well, they are,' said Boom. 'You've got to admit it. Flamingo legs are about the weirdest legs in the whole of bird-dom. (Look, if Shakespeare got away with making up words, so can I.)
'You're jealous,' said Dave. 'You always have been. You'd give anything to have an elegant length to your legs, you shorty, fat feathered dumpling.'
'Shouldn't we be chasing after that bloke?' asked Stix. 'Only he's getting away.'
'Shut up, Stix,' said Boom. 'This is important. Dave clearly has issues.'
'I have issues??' said Dave. 'You're the one who can't get over the fact you lost Latitia Miggins and she's with me now.'

There. It had been said. The awful truth that had been surpressed for all these years, had been voiced.
'Laetitia Miggins has, and will always be mine!' said Boom, stiffly.
'Yeah, right,' said Dave. 'She almost came to Rio with me, you know. And now I've got a seond chance with her and you can't bear it.'
'Yeah?' said Boom. 'You reckon, do you?'
'Yeah,' said Dave. 'As a matter of fact, I do.'
'Shut it,' said Boom, and kicked Dave in the ankle.
'Will not,' said Dave, whacking Boom on the back of the head. Meanwhile, Tango Pete stood close by, recording the fracas on his handy cam that was connected to the giant screen back at the arena.
'This is better than 'Die Hard,' said a fan, as the audience sat on the edges of their seats, absorbed by the growing drama.

'She loves me!' shouted Boom. 'I was her first. I am special.'
'She can't stand the sight of you,' retorted Dave. 'As long as you're with Honeybun, you'll always be scum to Laetitia.'
'She's mine!'

Dave and Boom looked at each other. Stix looked at them both with a face that said 'See, I told you so.'
'Well, where's he gone?' said Boom. 'See, you and your stupid pride. You let him get away.'
'Me?' said Dave. 'You're the one who started it all.'
'It's okay,' said a voice, and Bob Frapples emerged from the darkness, pushing THE firework man before him with a sharp and pointy stick. The firework man, for added mystery, was still wearing a mask, and tied with some plastic coated garden twine Bob had found in the greenhouse at the back of the Manor.
'You caught him,' said Boom. 'How did you do that?'
Bob sighed. It was so tiresome sometimes, being the brains of the outfit.

'See these,' he said, flapping his lovely silky wings. 'If you flap them, you fly.'
'Do you?' said Boom, who never flew without the aid of an airplane, or helicopter.
'So I flew ahead of the firework man. And then I pooped in his eye from above and whilst he was temporarily blinded, I strung him up with this twine and marched him back here with the aid of my trusty pointy stick.'
'That sounds easy,' said Boom.
'It was,' sighed Bob. 'How's Pepe?'

Pepe was alive. Winded, but alive. Luckily, when ordering his magician's cape from 'Magic Kit 4 U', he'd spent an extra £4.99 for the flame proof model. As he'd been flung through the air, he'd managed to wrap the cloak tightly around his entire body, offering himself full protection from the flames. Also, he'd landed on the Manor compost heap, so when Honeybun had finally located him, with fireworks bursting and banging around them, the worst that Pepe had suffered was a slight singe to his tail and half a mouldy aubergine in his ear.

'Oh, Pepe!' sighed Honeybun, hugging her chihuahua tightly to her. 'I was so scared you'd be dead.'
That's nice, thought Pepe, who'd rather enjoyed the ride.
'Look!' said Honeybun, holding Pepe up for Mrs Miggins and the others to see. 'He's safe.'
'Which is more than can be said for the Manor,' said Mrs Miggins, pointing grimly at the blazing building in front of them.

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